By Sharon M. Rivkin, M.A., M.F.T.
For most of us, we want the holidays to be fun and exciting. But more often than not, the holiday season evokes tension and stress. By spending more money than our budgets allow, or going overboard by eating the wrong foods, or taking on too many activities…these external stressors are only a piece of the bigger picture. These problems only compound when we are faced with unresolved family issues. And as the holidays approach, these issues may seem larger and more complicated as we confront family members who we typically don’t see throughout the year, and often don’t really want to see!
It is important to remember that a mixture of feelings and emotions will undoubtedly be experienced. Preparing for this mixture is a sure bet to avoiding the shock and surprise when a myriad of feelings erupt from sometimes the most seemingly innocent of situations. The stress that arises is often just a case of not being prepared. When we’re prepared and use the patterns from past holiday seasons to help us do things differently, we can create a new feeling around the holidays. Even if the stress is only slightly reduced, we have changed something about our lives and our repetitive patterns. The worst feeling is to be stuck doing the same things over and over again that just don’t work.
One way to prepare for holiday stress is to use the past to help you plan the present. Be realistic. If you have unresolved issues with your family, they won’t magically disappear just because it’s the holiday. Wishing for this only sets the stage for disappointment, failure and unhappiness. In fact, the issues are more likely to escalate during the holidays because there’s so much pressure to get along, have fun, and be nice. Look at past holidays and learn what’s realistic with your family. You don’t have to repeat the same unworkable scenario year after year.
For example, the holiday season creates a lot of “shoulds.” “I should see my parents or my siblings because, after all, it is the holiday season.” Or, “I should feel differently about my family especially around the holidays.” If you feel obligated to see your family during the holiday season, lower your stress by thinking about it in a different way. First of all, remember that you have choices. There is no rule book that says we need to be with our families during the holidays or how long we need to visit with them. If things are simply too stressful with your family, either don’t arrange a visit, or limit the time you spend with them. Most of us know how long we can be with our family before the “issues” come up. Maybe it’s an hour, a day, two days. Whatever it is, try to gear the visit to that time frame.
Our internal feelings and memories of past holidays color how we see the season. The worst mistake we make at the holidays is to think that things will be different just because we want them to be. Things are never different until we make a concerted effort to look at our old patterns and begin to change them. Patterns do not just change on their own. It takes a lot of hard work. Try to look within and see what your beliefs and expectations are about the holidays. Simply make a list of the things that don’t work with your family and ask yourself how you usually deal with each one. Then, see if you can think of one way to deal with it a little bit differently. Change your reaction and you’ll change the situation. Just by doing this, you have begun to alter an old pattern that doesn’t work. This one small transformation can reduce your holiday stress, bringing more peace within yourself and to those around you.
