Have you ever considered a year without arguments? In these times of economic chaos, it is more important than ever to minimize your fighting and disagreements, and create a more harmonious relationship with your spouse and family. Couples simply cannot afford to divorce as easily during a recession, but with some new intentions and techniques, a failing marriage can be salvaged and healed.

The first step to a year without arguments is to look at your cycle of arguments. We usually fight repeatedly about different things, yet end up saying the same hurtful remarks that only lead to anger and resentment. Nothing gets resolved. Why is that? It’s because you think you’re fighting about chores, when you’re really fighting about feeling unimportant or misunderstood. Since you don’t understand what you’re really fighting about, it’s hard to resolve anything!

How do you find out what you’re really arguing about? By looking at your very first argument or relationship disappointment, which is the beginning of the argument cycle.
Then, by uncovering the core issue of your first argument using the First Argument Technique™, you’ll see that the roots of the argument are in your childhood, and it’s the underlying reason for all the fights that follow, no matter what the fight is about. This revelation brings clarity and understanding as to why your arguments never get resolved. Whenever your core childhood issue gets triggered, you want to fight, because you’ve been hurt just like when you were a child.

To stop fighting and start healing, use the First Argument Technique, a proven three-step process that can resolve years of conflict into understanding, which leads to hope, resolution, and love:

1. PEEL. Peel away the topic of the conflict to locate your personal history that makes you react so strongly – the “story-below-the-story.”

2. REVEAL. Once you reveal the original story of your childhood, you begin to have a deeper understanding of yourself, your partner, and the blame game.

3. HEAL. By communicating you r story to your partner, the anger will turn into understanding and empathy. It’s then you can negotiate a solution and immediately heal any discord between the two of you.

Work together with your partner and make a resolution to change your destructive fighting, which causes pain, confusion, and break-ups to constructive fighting using the First Argument Technique. Constructive fighting actually strengthens your relationship because there is a system and a purpose behind it. This proven three-step process uses your first argument as the road map that reveals the course to take for a healthy relationship. Start this process NOW and make this a year of no arguments!

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For most of us, we want the holidays to be fun and exciting. But more often than not, the holiday season evokes tension and stress. By spending more money than our budgets allow, or going overboard by eating the wrong foods, or taking on too many activities…these external stressors are only a piece of the bigger picture. These problems only compound when we are faced with unresolved family issues and budget limitations. And as the holidays approach, these issues may seem larger and more complicated as we confront family members who we typically don’t see throughout the year, and often don’t really want to see!

Here are 5 tips that will help reduce your holiday stress:

Be Prepared. It is important to remember that a mixture of feelings and emotions will undoubtedly be experienced. Preparing for this mixture is a sure bet to avoiding the shock and surprise when a myriad of feelings erupt from sometimes the most seemingly innocent of situations. When we’re prepared and use the patterns from past holiday seasons to help us do things differently, we can create a new feeling around the holidays. Even if the stress is only slightly reduced, we have changed something about our lives and our repetitive patterns. The worst feeling is to be stuck doing the same things over and over again that just don’t work.

Be Realistic. One way to prepare for holiday stress is to be realistic. If you have unresolved issues with your family, they won’t magically disappear just because it’s the holiday. Wishing for this only sets the stage for disappointment, failure and unhappiness. In fact, the issues are more likely to escalate during the holidays because there’s so much pressure to get along, have fun, and be nice. Look at past holidays and learn what’s realistic with your family. You don’t have to repeat the same unworkable scenario year after year.

Nix the Shoulds. The holiday season creates a lot of “shoulds.” “I should see my parents or my siblings because, after all, it is the holiday season.” If you feel obligated to see your family during the holiday season, lower your stress by thinking about it in a different way. First of all, remember that you have choices. There is no rule book that says we need to be with our families during the holidays or how long we need to visit with them. If things are simply too stressful with your family, either don’t arrange a visit, or limit the time you spend with them.

Change Your Reaction. Our internal feelings and memories of past holidays color how we see the season. Try to look within and see what your beliefs and expectations are about the holidays. Simply make a list of the things that don’t work with your family and ask yourself how you usually deal with each one. Then, see if you can think of one way to deal with it a little bit differently. Change your reaction and you’ll change the situation. Just by doing this, you have begun to alter an old pattern that doesn’t work. This one small transformation can reduce your holiday stress, bringing more peace within yourself and to those around you.

Create New and Inexpensive Traditions. Make a list of things you do every year, noting what each item costs. Get creative and transform your list into new traditions that don’t break the bank. For example, as a family, pick out a tree together at Costco, take it home, heat up some apple cider, and play your favorite Christmas CD while decorating the tree together. Instead of purchasing new Christmas decorations, recycle and redecorate your old ornaments. Or make Christmas cookies together and give them away as gifts. There’s a lot of ways to create new traditions when our wallets are anything but full.

Remember that it really IS possible to make the holidays about love and connection, in spite of the recession or past holidays that weren’t the best. Just by thinking about the season a little bit differently and taking some new actions and you will be able to make this a holiday season of fond memories!

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He says no…she says yes. She wants to go to her best friend’s for Thanksgiving dinner, he’s firm about going to his parents’. She wants a change…he wants the same. Suddenly you’re not feeling thankful for anything at all. Sound familiar? So, how do you put the thankful back into Thanksgiving? How do you come to a middle ground with your partner, your family, and yourself?

Thanksgiving can be anything but peaceful if holiday disagreements escalate into yearly battles. It’s easy to forget what you’re thankful for if the hassles of planning Thanksgiving begin to outweigh the meaning of this important occasion.

Use these 6 tips to resolve your Thanksgiving hassles NOW!

1. Negotiate with your partner about how to spend the day. Start by each of you writing down your ideal Thanksgiving. Compare notes and see what’s negotiable and what’s not. Then talk about how to structure Thanksgiving with both of you getting what you want. It may not look like your original ideal list, but it will be workable nevertheless, and you both can feel satisfied that you heard each other, listened to each other, and came to a middle ground.

2. Delegate. If you’re hosting Thanksgiving, don’t be a martyr and do it all alone. Make a list of what you want to do and can comfortably do given your work schedule, etc. Then begin to delegate tasks to the invited guests. We often take on too much and feel so hassled on Thanksgiving Day that we simply don’t enjoy ourselves.

3. Take care of yourself and just say NO if you really can’t do something. At busy times of the year, we tend to forget about ourselves. Don’t stop exercising or getting your weekly massage during the holidays. In fact, try to schedule or do something EXTRA for yourself at these times to compensate for the extra stress. Remember, if you’re stressed and not taking care of yourself, it will be difficult to take care of your loved ones and enjoy the holiday activities.

4. Make it easy on yourself. Create a list of the things you MUST do to make it a good holiday. Then make a list of things you don’t really HAVE to do. For instance, you might HAVE to clean your house before the guests come, but maybe you don’t HAVE to cook. You could buy a whole Thanksgiving meal and save yourself a lot of time, energy, and hassle. Think about it!!

5. Create a new tradition. In advance of the holiday, gather your loved ones and talk about doing something different this year that has meaning for the entire family. It could be a special walk together or sitting down and allowing each member to express their appreciation.

6. Gratitude. The most important way to put the thanks back into Thanksgiving is to be grateful. Writing down a list of things you’re grateful for, your “Gratitudes,” is an immediate and powerful way to negate depression, envy, and stress. Write one per day from now until Thanksgiving, and suddenly you’ll feel grateful instead of hassled. We tend to emphasize what we don’t have or what’s not working, so turn that around and see what you do have and what is working.

Just follow these tips and you will feel less hassled, more grateful, and truly thankful to be celebrating another Thanksgiving!

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As a psychotherapist, a common complaint I hear is that it’s hard to find a committed partner, yet the majority of us still want a healthy, long-term relationship! But what makes for a committed and lasting relationship? There isn’t a magic trick or special formula, but rather six vital elements that the majority of strong and lasting relationships have:

1. Good/open/honest communication and a willingness to change. This happens with practice. It means you don’t judge or feel judged by your partner. You’ve developed good listening and speaking skills. Both partners trust each other and know they can talk to each other about anything. It means the willingness to work on your own issues and make changes in yourself if necessary.

2. Knowledge that a relationship takes hard work and laughter. The healthiest and longest lasting relationships don’t just happen because a couple fell in love. A relationship of longevity is made up of hard work. A relationship needs daily nurturing, not taking each other for granted, and dealing with both the hard and easy issues together. It takes consciousness and caring about yourself and your partner. It requires discipline, dedication, and determination, mixed with fun and laughter. The better the balance between hard work and fun, the better chance that your relationship will last. Take yourself seriously but not so seriously that you can’t also laugh at yourself.

Respect for one another. The strongest relationships are the ones where each partner remembers that their partner is a human being whom he/she fell in love with. It’s easy to feel disrespect for your partner when you disagree and he/she makes you angry. Disagreements don’t mean that your partner suddenly became a “bad” human being. The golden rule should always apply in a relationship. It simply means you need to respect yourself enough to respect your partner’s feelings, failings, foibles, and humanness. Most of the time mistakes are made not to hurt another person, but because we’re human. Learn from your mistakes, and don’t stop respecting yourself or your partner just because you slip up.

4. Ability to “nip problems in the bud.” At the first sign of conflict or an argument, take immediate steps to resolve the disagreement. If you don’t, it will grow bigger each time you fight. Nip the argument in the bud by trying to understand the conflict and then talking about it. Learn good negotiating and problem-solving skills. Nothing is too small to ignore in the realm of conflict. The origin of huge conflicts, are really the smaller arguments that never get resolved. Small conflicts can be easy to deal with, and can actually create closeness. Huge ones are difficult to deal with and can lead to separation and/or divorce.

5. Cultivate a deep friendship as the foundation for your love to grow. Make your partner your best friend. Relationships that last are made up of two people that love each other and really LIKE each other. Love needs a strong foundation on which to flourish. Treat your partner like you would a friend. It is this companionship that deepens a relationship. If you don’t know how to respond to your partner, ask yourself, “If this was my best friend, how would I respond?” You’d probably be supportive, understanding, empathetic, honest, and caring. We forget that our partners are our friends, too, and we owe it to ourselves and our partner to treat them with dignity and compassion.

6. Creative ways to keep the intimacy alive. Intimacy means being close to your partner, enjoying each other’s company, sharing, and figuring out what makes you and your partner happy. Don’t lose touch with each other just because you’re both busy. If your sex lives are dwindling or you’re losing the desire, rule out any medical issues with your doctor, and then get busy by educating yourself to find ways to rekindle the flame. Don’t ignore the issues! Talk about them and remember that things won’t get better on their own. Most importantly, keep learning and growing as an individual so you stay interested in your own life and in your partner’s life. Take each other’s needs seriously and figure out ways to be there for your partner.

The couples whose relationships are the strongest are the ones who remember to take their love and commitment to each other seriously. They put their commitment above all their disagreements, misunderstandings, and confusions. They respect themselves and their partner, and through their hard work and continued growth, magic really does happen in their relationships!

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For many, Valentine’s Day, the day of love and romance, has become yet another holiday that simply causes STRESS. It seems that as soon as Christmas and New Years are over, out come the Valentine cards in the store. Seeing those bright red cards and shiny hearts, when my Christmas tree is still standing, causes a certain level of stress, which if not addressed, will lead to anxiety, and then fear…yes, fear. After all, Christmas has barely ended, and I already have to think about creating another perfect day…which I may not do right (causing stress), which may cause hurt feelings (causing anxiety), and which could possibly lead to a fight about our relationship (causing fear that my partner might not care or love me as I had thought)! Yet, here we go again, taking a day that could be fun and loving, and stressing over it. No matter how hard we try, stress will never make us feel very loving to ourselves, let alone to our Valentine.

Our society has sold us a lot of expectations around Valentine’s Day. We’re supposed to be and feel loving. We’re supposed to get the ideal card and gift for our Valentine. We’re supposed to have a special dinner and a “perfect” day…or else. Moreover, certain common stressors like, “I don’t have a Valentine,” or “I have a Valentine, but we’re not doing very well,” or “I just met a great person, but are we Valentines?” make us dread Valentine’s Day, rather than look forward to it.

So, how do we NOT stress on Valentine’s Day, but instead use it as the beautiful holiday that it truly is, to bring out our love and caring for our Valentine? How do we use it as a day to remember what’s good in our relationship in and of itself, and not because it’s Valentine’s Day?

For starters, it’s important to not get caught up in what Valentine’s Day is “supposed” to be or how it “should” be. Let go of the huge expectations surrounding the day, the gift, the dinner, the card, or the perfect sentiment. Anytime we put too much pressure on an event, we are usually disappointed when the outcome isn’t what we envisioned. More often than not, this unhealthy expectation can lead to a fight with our partner, or unkind words spoken with much regret. Our stress level dramatically rises because we’ve put so much weight on this one day, and now we’re wondering if our relationship is in trouble, something we didn’t experience the day before. “The day has been ruined because we fought,” and “if we’re fighting on Valentine’s Day, what must that mean about our relationship?” are feelings commonly experienced. Reality rarely matches our fantasies.

Forget about the unrealistic expectations surrounding Valentine’s Day and, instead, focus on the joy that your loved ones bring to your life, for the love you feel and, especially, for the love that is returned to you. Then allow the day to unfold naturally.

In preparation, set aside some special “alone” time before the holiday to consider the following ways to help you simply enjoy Valentine’s Day, without the unnecessary stress:

1. Think about what’s in your heart rather than what the day “should” be. How do I feel, not what should I do?

2. Express what you want to express to your Valentine in your own unique way, not what Hallmark wants to express to your Valentine.

3. Remember, it’s only one day in the life of your relationship, not your whole relationship. It’s an arbitrary day, so you don’t even have to celebrate it if it doesn’t feel right. Nothing terrible will happen to you or your relationship if you don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day.

4. If you feel stress, breathe, and try to put it into perspective. When we feel anxiety, we’re usually over-thinking something and making it bigger than it is. Lower your expectations and keep it simple. Do one special thing on Valentine’s Day, rather than four or five things.

5. Listen to your language when thinking about Valentine’s Day. If there are a lot of shoulds and supposed to’s, stress is entering into your day. Try substituting, “I could” for “should,” and “I want to” for “supposed to.”

6. Stay in reality, rather than letting your fantasies run wild. Check in with your heart…how do you feel? If your heart is beating out of stress, it hurts. If it’s beating out of love, it feels good. Learn the difference and do what’s in your heart, not what’s in the Valentine “box.”

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Marriage is supposed to last “forever,” isn’t it? When we decide to get married, we truly believe that forever will happen. Sometimes that’s easier said than done, because most of us don’t have realistic guidelines or tools to know how to make a marriage last. When we fall in love, we usually think that’s all we’ll need to be happy. However, when “reality” sets in and a couple has their first real argument, they both realize that their partner isn’t perfect.

In the beginning of a relationship, we do our best to give our partner the benefit of the doubt, expressing our love and goodwill, even when we’re upset. However, as time goes on, it can get harder and harder to resolve arguments and, therefore, harder and harder to feel loving and forgiving towards our partner. It’s at these times that we start to ask ourselves, is there a secret to making a marriage last? Is it really possible to live happily ever after? Can I make my marriage divorce-proof? The answer to all of these questions is YES! However, the hardest question to answer is: How do we do it? How do I have a lasting, happy marriage that doesn’t end in divorce court?

The first thing to remember is that keeping a marriage healthy and happy is hard work and will not happen on its own; just like a flower won’t grow if it isn’t watered and fed. Marriages need nurturing, tending to, time, and energy! We often forget that a marriage contains two human beings who both need to be appreciated, heard, valued, and respected. With this in mind, here are seven ways to make your marriage last:

1. Keep the lines of communication open. If you don’t know how to express your feelings and/or have poor listening skills, learn to get better at both. You can read a book, take a class, get into counseling. Good communication requires both the ability to express and listen.

2. Don’t sweep your fights under the rug and think they’ll magically resolve themselves. Do your best to resolve your first argument as soon as it arises so you won’t have the same argument for the next fifty years, in different forms.

3. Remember that you love your partner; therefore, you want the best for her/him. Give her/him the benefit of the doubt when you feel angry, hurt, or disappointed. Talk to your partner; don’t make assumptions.

4. Tell your partner EVERY DAY something you appreciate about her/him and how grateful you are to have her/him in your life.

5. Your partner should NEVER feel like your enemy. If he/she does, something is wrong, so again, remember that you fell in love with this person. If there’s so much anger that you feel like you are enemies, get help somewhere as quickly as possible. Again, this could be through a book, a class, or counseling.

6. Notice and don’t ignore the warning signs if you’re not talking, sex has diminished, you’re fighting all the time, and you’re not happy. The sooner you acknowledge you’re having problems, the sooner you can begin to solve them.

7. Always remember that you have the power to change behaviors in your marriage through different tools of self-discovery. You do not have to stay stuck in unhealthy ruts.

Good, lasting marriages are made up of two conscious individuals that have the desire to work on themselves, with the determination to stay focused on the importance of their marriage. They do not take their partner for granted. They have their partner’s best interest at heart and, therefore, build trust with their partner. When arguments come up, they don’t ignore them. They address the issues and try to resolve them. When they see warning signs that their marriage could be in trouble, they act immediately and look for new ways to relate to each other. This can be accomplished by anyone who is willing to take the time and energy to make their marriage a priority in their life. Nurture your marriage as it as it so richly deserves! You CAN live happily ever after; not with magic, but with hard work, awareness, and knowledge of yourself and your partner.

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An affair is one of the most difficult challenges a couple can face. It is a powerful catalyst that can either end the relationship or take it to a greater level of intimacy. An extreme symptom of a relationship that has been in trouble for some time, affairs do not happen out of the blue. They challenge both partners to look at themselves and their relationship in a radically new way.

At first, reactions to an affair are hurt, anger, and a profound sense of betrayal. These intense, negative feelings make us feel we must immediately end the relationship in order to preserve our dignity. But these feelings quickly turn to self-degrading thoughts, such as “there must be something wrong with me or he/she wouldn’t have cheated” or “how could I have not known…I feel like a fool and a failure.” Our culture adheres to a strong belief that it is weak, foolish, and degrading to stay with a partner who has been unfaithful. But it isn’t that simple.

When a couple seeks my counsel in the wake of an affair, the initial questions we struggle with are: Can I stay with my partner? How will I know if I should leave? Will I ever be able to trust again? How long will the healing take? If I stay, will there be another affair?

In the flood of doubts and questions, below are some guidelines to help you decide if you should stay with or leave your cheating partner:

1. Sort out the conflict and understand how the crisis happened by using The First Argument Technique™: Go back to your first argument and see where the seeds of the conflict started that are now being acted out in an affair.

Example: The nine-year marriage of Genevieve and Tyler was collapsing. Tyler crossed boundaries by kissing and using seductive language with her close friends. By revisiting their first argument, their core issues were uncovered. Tyler had moved when he was 13, made no friends, and suffered from lack of self-esteem. Genevieve struggled with a domineering father, pacifying him in order to avoid the consequences of abuse. In their marriage, Genevieve avoided confrontation of Tyler’s behavior, while Tyler compensated for his lack of self-esteem by attracting women with his wit and charm. Their marriage was saved by resolving their core issues.

2. Affairs as Symptoms. An affair is never the answer to unresolved problems, but it is the catalyst to address unresolved patterns because the relationship is now on the line. It becomes an opportunity to voice what was once unspoken and sort out the issues that led to the affair. Unresolved patterns can be resolved with honesty and hard work.

3. Every affair has at least two victims and potentially two victors. The person who was betrayed feels like a victim and powerless because something was done to them. The person acting out in the affair feels guilty, shameful, and responsible for destroying the marriage. Both victims, however, can become victors if they look at their own issues and take responsibility for their part in the affair.

4. There is no “right” way to deal with an affair…some couples stay together, some couples separate. Neither decision is a sign of weakness.

5. If you can, seek professional help as soon as possible. A therapist will be able to quickly get to the core issues and develop a plan to give the couple a safe place to begin understanding what happened in their relationship and begin the process of healing.

Following the affair, recovery and trust-rebuilding are possible, though the process can be long, following no specific time line. Patience and perseverance are essential. It is important to give yourself permission to stay in the relationship as long as necessary to deal with the issues that the affair brings to the surface. Allow all feelings to come up, including love. Just because you’ve been hurt and betrayed doesn’t mean the love has gone away, which is why affairs are a challenge. Mixed emotions are being juggled and assessing what you truly feel can only be accomplished by examining what really happened and what the core issues are. Only then are you in a position to make the decision of staying or leaving.

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