By Sharon M. Rivkin, M.A., M.F.T.
Do conversations with your teen or tween turn into shouting matches, slammed doors, and outright war? Are you tired of your teen or tween talking back to you? Has your child become your enemy?
NO amount of fighting is worth losing communication and connection with your child. More than ever, they need your guidance, support, and a feeling that you’re on their side, even when they’re wrong. They are not against you, but are struggling to become independent and autonomous, needing your help, and not your arguments.
To open the lines of communication and restore connection with your difficult teen or tween, immediately use the following four-step TALK method:
1. Treat your child with respect if you want the same in return. Most parents complain that their children don’t respect them. But do you respect your kids? Do you take them seriously, listen, and have compassion, while remembering what it was like to be that age? They really do want to please you, but you are the adult and parent, and your job is to make it safe for them by seeing and valuing who they are, even if they disagree with you. Take a good look at your child and see their individuality, not just the behavior they’re exhibiting that you don’t like. Always let them know you love them, but it’s their behavior that you don’t like…and make that distinction when you’re talking with them. Be patient with them, set limits, but don’t control them.
2. Allow your child to make her/his point. They might actually have a good one! Most parents are worried about being good parents, so they think they need to be right. The more investment you have in being right and doing the right thing, the less you really see your children, and the less you take them seriously and listen to them. If they’re really putting up a fight, slow yourself down, drop the self-righteousness, and hear them out. Even if you disagree, you can still engage in a low voltage conversation instead of trying to just get your point across.
3. Listen don’t lecture. Who likes to be talked down to and lectured to? No one, especially a teen or tween. If they’re fighting with you, then something is important to them. Listen and read between the lines. Think about what they’re really trying to tell you. Children often don’t have the words to express their feelings. It’s your job as a parent to decipher your child’s code.
4. Know when to set limits, without controlling your child. A limit protects your child from internal or external harm. Control has to do with your own triggers. If you find yourself saying to your child, “Do it because I said so,” you’re probably trying to control your child. Don’t project your issues onto your children with rules that are for you, and not for them. Evaluate what’s behind your reactions to see if you’re upset because your buttons are being pushed, or because your child is really endangering themselves with drugs, driving recklessly, cutting school, cheating, lying, etc. We often justify controlling our children by saying, “I’m just being a good parent and setting limits.” Examine your own beliefs and trigger points, so you really know the difference between control and limit-setting.
The greatest gift you can give your children is to allow them to be the unique individuals that they are. Even though their judgment may not be the best, their individuality can be supported, while you teach them to do the right things and allow them to learn from their mistakes. Keep your expectations in check by remembering that they are not adults. But most of all, remember that your teen/tween just wants to be seen, heard, and valued. So hear them, and know they love you…just as you love them.
